Jan. 16, 2011

With the long weekend has come an exodus of people from the house. It's nice to have the house (mostly) to myself and have some time to write (as the party people pass outside my window, after DPS and LAPD shut down their party).

I've been able to reflect on a few things as of late--though most of my time and efforts have been spent on searching for a future place to live and a job, my brain has left some room for compartmentalization.

I've been mulling over my interactions and experiences over the last couple of days and realized what huge strides I've made in the social realm. I should probably preface this by why I'm so terrible with it.

One of my greatest struggles has always been with my self-confidence. Anyone that knows me well enough understands that most of my problem is based on my (hopefully not irreversible) Bell's Palsy, which is more or less a paralysis of muscles in a certain area, leading to poorer muscle tone. Normally, those who get Bell's receive it via stroke, but over time and with some work the muscles will regain their former strength. For whatever reason, I've had this since birth and my parents, and doctors, were unable to catch it because, well, I was a baby and my face was pretty chubby and featureless back then. The Bell's (and the resulting amblyoplia) went unnoticed and I'm stuck with them. So the right side of my body has poorer muscle tone than my left, though the only noticeable place in on my face, where my right eye doesn't blink unless I make it, and even then it doesn't blink (or close) completely. My smile isn't particularly straight by any means, and my hairline is pretty much diagonal.

What does this all mean?

Lots of ridicule as a kid. People will always find something to harp on. For me it was this. I only half believe that they picked on me because they felt intimidated by my ability to do this or that--that only really works when you're a kid. The teasing went on until the day I graduated high school...actually, someone cracked a joke during graduation. I didn't find it funny.

When you're a kid you tend to want to fit in. No one wants to be the loner. Unfortunately, that was me, more or less. Sure there were times that I could "fit in", or "level the playing field" physically, but that never worked for long. I knew I would never be popular, and my activities eventually made it difficult for me to learn how to be social. Instead of hanging out on Saturdays at the mall, I spent my time in Manhattan learning music. I used to complain about all of the work I had to do for music and my dad would always use athletes as a comparison. It's not really the same, though, is it? Athletes at least participate with other people, and in high school they don't have day-long practices week in and week out. Violin is a solitary activity. Also, the people I spent my Saturdays with I only saw on Saturdays. It was like living two different lives.

Anyway, I went through a period of withdrawal, and it stunted my growth. I came to college a few years behind everyone else, unable to carry on conversations with new people, or to approach new people anyway. I'm much more of a situational person. I've never dated so that's a whole different beast right there.

And yet, I've made progress. I still struggle with some conversations, but now I can definitely hold my own if I need to. Crossfit has definitely been instrumental in this in the last 5 months, since it's almost impossible to be unfriendly or shy towards that many awesome people. It's definitely helped my self image issues as well. See, Crossfit is good for more than just fitness.

Tonight I found myself talking to a total stranger about whatever. Two years ago I probably would have just sat. Now I talk to people on planes (unless they're creepy, crazy, screaming, unbearably smelly, or rude) and can make small talk with random people I interact with. Things are looking up.

Dear Chip Kelly,

I think your idea for an uptempo offense is great. Wear your opponent down with mediocre playing in the first 3 quarters so that when the 4th quarter comes along the other team is so gassed if makes your team look brilliant.

The problem is, while that might work in the regular season, when teams only have a week or so to prepare for your uptempo offense, a team with enough talent, and enough time, will train and be able to hang tough for 60 minutes. You've said it yourself, your team doesn't have a ton of talent. Sure, sometimes hard work can overcome pure talent, but when pure talent works hard its almost impossible to beat.

This is what happened tonight.

Cam Newton, Nick Fairley and Co. were too talented and too prepared. They knew 2 months ago that they would possibly play you in the championship, and had all that time to at least begin conditioning for something like that. Not to mention the size advantage. Your aptitude for speed worked against you--all of your players are so small and have run off so much muscle that it's impossible for your D-line to overpower the O-line. Sure, you got Cam a couple of times, but they also busted right through YOUR O-line plenty of times, and without much resistance. Kudos to your O-line though.

Jeff Maehl was great, but needed to be brilliant. James was shut down.

Long story short, don't expect your system to place you at the top of the Pac-12, and the country, for long. Everyone will catch up. Including us. USC will be back.

And stop wearing that visor. It makes you look like a duck.

I have a lot to say....

I haven't been able to sit down and write because I've been travelling. I flew back out to California with my dad, unloaded my suitcase back at AGO, and promptly left for the hotel. I've spent the last couple of days gallivanting around the county looking for apartments to live in after graduation. It's been an interesting few days since I got here. Let's go in reverse, shall we?

1) I was chatting with a very wise friend of mine and boldly asked if God had ever revealed to her anything concerning me. Long story short, it involved patience. It struck a chord: I am one of the most impatient individuals you'll meet, mild ADD doesn't help. Since putting down serious violin my concentration abilities and attention span have been seriously compromised. I get jittery and antsy very easily. Traffic is hard. It's something I have to work on. Pray about. She also sent me a wonderful document about how God sees me. That's also an area of struggle for me--the pessimist in me, coupled (enslaved by, really) a musicians drive to be better has left me incredibly cynical and with a view of myself that, though not negative, is usually lacking and in need of improvement. Such is the mind of any serious musician. I need to relearn that God doesn't see me the way I see me. So many things to think about.

2) USC's internet services blow. I'm not entirely sure why we can't hook up a wireless device in our house. Don't they recognize that we use multiple sources in one area? It wouldn't really matter if we weren't already paying for the school's wireless, which we don't get in the house at all because there are no repeaters. We've asked for them. No dice. This is pretty annoying.

3) We've been driving around. A lot. It's nice to spend some time with my dad, minus the arguing, minus my childish antics. That being said, I'm reminded of how much I hate driving, especially in LA. Anyway, with the economy how it is, we find it interesting that the condo, when we used to live there, would have sold for under $200,000. Included in the price: 2 levels, 2 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms, wash/dry inside the unit, office space, storage space, balcony, fireplace, hardwood floors, pantry, parking space, and a large main area. Plus huge windows and a great view of the train station ( I love trains). For $215,000 in LA I can get about half of that. Maybe. And it won't necessarily be in good condition. My, how times have changed. Oh, it's also nice to be old enough to say something like that.

4) Leaving home is tough. It was tough in 2007. It's worse now. Next time I go back to New Jersey I'll be a "responsible" adult. Makes me nervous, and extremely excited for the future and what God has in store.

5) I hate flying. Long flights are killer. But this trip to the airport provided two wonderful tidbits:

I witness a man at the urinal doing his business. That's fine, except he had his son tucked under his shoulder, with the head in the urinal.

A little Jewish boy named Ari was crawling all over the floor of said bathroom. His father: "Ari, get off the floor, it's filthy!"

On the news: Contractor accidentally knocks down the wrong house. WHAT?!

I still got the crying baby. But also two friendly women that I got to chat a bit with.

I also met an alumni that has offered to help me connect with some people.

6) I haven't worked out since five days ago. I welcome the rest, especially since I was/am sick (thank you, Snow Murph). I can feel my calves again. But I CANNOT WAIT to get back to crossfit.

Song of the Day: Mendelssohn, Hebrides Overture. Wonderful.

I. Love. Movies.

You could say I was a bit sheltered before coming to college.

My parents were very big on innocence--that is, they didn't want me seeing things before I was ready to see them. Sex, violence, etc. There were a lot of movies I wasn't permitted to see; it's hard to get tickets when you don't look old enough to get into a PG-13 movie. A lot of people in town (mentioned in a previous post) got to see things like Halloween or Gladiator. My parents weren't down for that. Consequently, my knowledge of movies after 1978 was pretty flat. This changed after coming to film school.

I opted to take the critical studies route for a variety of reasons. For one, it was the quickest way to get into film school--waiting for eligibility to apply to production would waste two years, and there's no guarantee I would get into the program. I hate wasted time (which seems odd because of all the time I actually waste). I also had a little bit of experience in it from high school. I also figured (and rightly) that most people in the production program wanted to be directors or cinematographers. Some are pretentious, it's quite annoying, but expected of an artist of any variety. I can be pretentious myself. When I started interacting with other film majors I heard stories about how when they reached the final production phase the people who didn't get to be directors would sometimes become lackadaisical about the project. I didn't want to sign up for that. Not to badmouth the program or the people--humans are humans, I expect behavior like that.

What I wasn't ready for was the amount of media I was about to digest. Sure, I knew it was coming, but anticipating the experience and experiencing it are two different things. Watching around 15-17 movies a semester (at the least) and remembering details is a daunting task. There were times when I had two classes at once--seeing upwards of 40 movies in 15 weeks in a bit ridiculous, but mandatory. Eventually I got tired of watching movies. I'm really behind in terms of movies form the last 4 years...I rarely watched new releases because I could never turn my brain off (and other people hated my running commentary).

But now I'm FREE. No more critical studies, no more analyzing movies (for now), and I can go back to enjoying things that love about movies. There really is a huge difference in perception when you have to turn off parts of your brain, lest you get distracted by what you enjoy. I missed enjoying epic film scores with super heavy brass and silvery strings, getting into characters' heads, enjoying sometimes the simplicity of everything.

I'm currently watching Ponyo. Maybe not everyone's style, but I've pretty much run the gamut this break. I've seen a handfull: Moon, Brick, Surrogates, Dragon Wars, Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus (shhh), Black Sheep, Foreign Correspondent, Up, The Flight of the Red Balloon, The Red Balloon, The Men Who Stare at Goats, and California Split, Superman/Batman: Apocalypse, and Transformers: The Movie. That's a lot. And I've enjoyed all of it.

Clearly I watch a variety of films: the campy to the serious, ultra-retarded to classic films (I didn't get to finish Dirty Harry because of family games). I keep a running tab of movies that I love: I keep a list of the good movies, and also of the good bad movies (I love love love Troll 2, super campy).

I'm going to see so much stuff this semester. Here we go.

Murph: My Story

Today I was determined to do Murph. I went to bed at a reasonable hour (1:30) and got up at a reasonable hour (9:00). Then I decided to go. With very little planning.

Most Crossfitters know about Murph. It's a workout named in honor of Lt. Michael Murphy, who was killed while on tour in Afghanistan in 2005. This was his favorite workout (he did it with body armor). It goes as such:

1 mile run

100 pull ups

200 push ups

300 squats

1 mile run

We could break it up any way we wanted, as long as it was sandwiched between the runs. for me the run was convenient because I needed to get home. I did the workout in about 45 minutes (I didn't keep accurate time because I knew what was going to happen when I got to the playground) which I'm happy with, for now.

I left at around 9:25. Did between a 7:00-7:30 mile to Wilson Elementary School. Once I got there I saw that, of course, the snow hadn't melted enough for me to get this done easy. So I trudged as quickly as possible to one set of monkey bars. Cleared some snow. Bar is too thick for my hands. Poop. Had to trudge back through that path and had to find a new path to another set of bars (to avoid soaking my pants and socks in the cold). Ok this works. Oh and theres a picnic table to do my push ups on. Fantastic. I broke up my sets into 5-10-15, respectively. The height of the bars kind of ruined my ability to do kipping pull ups since my knees were about 7 inches off the ground, but I made do. I was actually pretty happy with the speed of my push ups. Had I been in a box (or at Santa Monica beach with the other people) this would have moved a lot smoother and quicker. And I would have had less clothes on.

The most depressing part of the workout was the closing mile. I definitely walked about a third of it because of the built up soreness from my quicker runs earlier in the week, plus my exhaustion from the middle of the workout. It was still cold enough that I was having trouble breathing, and I starting running without really getting into my breathing pattern. That ruined me. I also have to work on my mental toughness so it won't defeat me again.

I'm happy I finished the workout in a reasonable amount of time. I thought it would take much longer. And it could have been faster, if not for circumstances. That makes me happy, that it wasn't totally my fault for having a slow time (although it sort of is because I didn't plan). I checked on the mainsite and they have the times listed for two of the top Crossfit women for this workout. I was a couple minutes off of the time set by Kim Malz of Crossfit 033. She wore a 20-lb. vest for the workout. What a beast. Inspiration!

My Thoughts: Surrogates (2009)

I haven't seen a lot of "new" movies lately. I actually JUST saw Up (2009). Whoops. Good thing too, because I was in tears for a good portion of the movie and I have an image to uphold as a manly man. Uh oh....

Anyway, my 14th movie of the break was Surrogates, Bruce Willis' action flick about an Earth where people are able to live their lives through robotic counterparts.

It's an interesting idea. What would YOU do if you could sit in a chair, and let your thoughts guide a near indestructible robot, with little or no risk to the user?

Unfortunately, they didn't go in that direction. Disappointment. Instead there was a double twist. I wonder if M. Night Shamamalan was working on this project....

Here is what I think this movie accomplished:

1) Making Bruce Willis look really old. The man looked terrible, especially in comparison with his CGI-enhanced robot. The crow's feet, bald head, ever increasing liver spots and raggedy beard....he really could have joined the other aging action stars in The Expendables....

2) It gave Willis an excuse to use one of his hair pieces. Seriously...look at that thing. AND he sort of looks like Horatio from CSI Miami.....

Other than that, I don't know if the movie had anything good. I finished it because I started it (I'm a stickler for that). Oh, there were pretty pretty girls. And there was Ving Rhames (but it wasn't really Ving Rhames?)

This is definitely a 3. Out of 10.

Jack of All Trades

I was watching one of the bowl games last week and while I was listening to the commentary one of the guys said something to the effect of "Yeah, I was a bit of an all around position player, a jack of all trades." Lou Holtz quickly fired in the jab (which I don't think anyone else but me noticed): "Yeah, but a master of none."

I think people often, and willingly, forget the second half of the saying. It's easy to tout yourself as a "jack of all trades" or a Renaissance person....wait, sorry I can't possibly equate the two, a Renaissance person is master of everything they do. Michelangelo was the original Renaissance Man. My grandpa was one: though he never was able to get all of his ideas out, he was a musician, a painter, a teacher, an engineer. I still haven't finished going through his notebooks.

I used to loathe, back when I was a jerk, being called that because I really only had one trade back then: violin. My day went as such: School, homework, violin, bed, with very few deviations. Friday was my off day, but sometimes I still practiced. Saturdays? solid 9-6 day of music. Sundays I still put in my time, and there was a time when I was doing two lessons from two different teachers on the same day.

There was this other thing. Once I started getting older, I could actually hold conversations with adults. When they learned I played violin they would sometimes say "Oh my son plays violin too". Really, do they? I'm sorry, but please don't compare your child's experience, where mediocrity reins, the average practice time is around 15 minutes per day, and your music teacher has the unfortunate task of teaching 25 children (who don't care, and aren't talented in that particular area) how to play music at a skill level I had when I was 6, to my experience. It's insulting. It's like saying you "play volleyball" when in reality you play nukem, or that you're going to the gym, which actually means you plop on the elliptical and read the paper for 20 minutes, break a light sweat, and call it quits. Please.

I hated it. All of it, the comparisons, the multiple teachers (though I liked my teachers). I loved music but the journey was so difficult.

When I made the decision to switch to film I also decided to try new things. Photography, volleyball, fencing (again), biking. The list doesn't go on and on, but it's pretty different in comparison to that list of one that used to be me. Does that make me a more rounded person? Probably not. Unfortunately, I went through two stages: one was being "normal", to do the stuff that everyone else did, something I "missed out on" in my pre-college years. I lost interest in that and found out normal was more boring than I possibly thought. Now, I find myself with a label that I used to hate: the jack of all trades. Maybe this doesn't bother other people about me: Oh he knows a little about this or that, ask him. Oh, yeah ask beamer about this and such.

The problem is, my competitive drive (though always at odds with my laziness) can't settle for being ok at something, or to know a little bit about something.

For that reason, I'm vowing to enter the Sphinx Competition. It's a strings competition for minorities--African- Americans and some of Hispanic descent (though not all, I don't think). You might say: Isn't that the opposite of what you want to do?

Well, yes, and no. Typically African Americans and Hispanics are underrepresented in classical music. International competitions are dominated by caucasians and asians, just because there are more of them. The population of good musicians is large enough to have an event like this but small enough that there are faces that have been around for awhile, people that have been able to place but never capture first.

I want to capture first. Or place, at least. It'll be tough. I'm 4 years off of my high, though I'm better in some ways than I was. I don't have a teacher, so this training will have to be on my own. I'm entering the real world so my practice sessions will have to be ultra-productive. I'm not out to prove anything for anybody but myself. I NEED to do this. If I place, I get to play in Carnegie Hall a few months after the initial audition process.

That is every musicians dream. That is my dream. Or at least 50% of that. The other half was getting to play a Strad and I've already done that. So...let's get er done.