I've been able to reflect on a few things as of late--though most of my time and efforts have been spent on searching for a future place to live and a job, my brain has left some room for compartmentalization.
I've been mulling over my interactions and experiences over the last couple of days and realized what huge strides I've made in the social realm. I should probably preface this by why I'm so terrible with it.
One of my greatest struggles has always been with my self-confidence. Anyone that knows me well enough understands that most of my problem is based on my (hopefully not irreversible) Bell's Palsy, which is more or less a paralysis of muscles in a certain area, leading to poorer muscle tone. Normally, those who get Bell's receive it via stroke, but over time and with some work the muscles will regain their former strength. For whatever reason, I've had this since birth and my parents, and doctors, were unable to catch it because, well, I was a baby and my face was pretty chubby and featureless back then. The Bell's (and the resulting amblyoplia) went unnoticed and I'm stuck with them. So the right side of my body has poorer muscle tone than my left, though the only noticeable place in on my face, where my right eye doesn't blink unless I make it, and even then it doesn't blink (or close) completely. My smile isn't particularly straight by any means, and my hairline is pretty much diagonal.
What does this all mean?
Lots of ridicule as a kid. People will always find something to harp on. For me it was this. I only half believe that they picked on me because they felt intimidated by my ability to do this or that--that only really works when you're a kid. The teasing went on until the day I graduated high school...actually, someone cracked a joke during graduation. I didn't find it funny.
When you're a kid you tend to want to fit in. No one wants to be the loner. Unfortunately, that was me, more or less. Sure there were times that I could "fit in", or "level the playing field" physically, but that never worked for long. I knew I would never be popular, and my activities eventually made it difficult for me to learn how to be social. Instead of hanging out on Saturdays at the mall, I spent my time in Manhattan learning music. I used to complain about all of the work I had to do for music and my dad would always use athletes as a comparison. It's not really the same, though, is it? Athletes at least participate with other people, and in high school they don't have day-long practices week in and week out. Violin is a solitary activity. Also, the people I spent my Saturdays with I only saw on Saturdays. It was like living two different lives.
Anyway, I went through a period of withdrawal, and it stunted my growth. I came to college a few years behind everyone else, unable to carry on conversations with new people, or to approach new people anyway. I'm much more of a situational person. I've never dated so that's a whole different beast right there.
And yet, I've made progress. I still struggle with some conversations, but now I can definitely hold my own if I need to. Crossfit has definitely been instrumental in this in the last 5 months, since it's almost impossible to be unfriendly or shy towards that many awesome people. It's definitely helped my self image issues as well. See, Crossfit is good for more than just fitness.
Tonight I found myself talking to a total stranger about whatever. Two years ago I probably would have just sat. Now I talk to people on planes (unless they're creepy, crazy, screaming, unbearably smelly, or rude) and can make small talk with random people I interact with. Things are looking up.
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