My Thoughts: Surrogates (2009)

I haven't seen a lot of "new" movies lately. I actually JUST saw Up (2009). Whoops. Good thing too, because I was in tears for a good portion of the movie and I have an image to uphold as a manly man. Uh oh....

Anyway, my 14th movie of the break was Surrogates, Bruce Willis' action flick about an Earth where people are able to live their lives through robotic counterparts.

It's an interesting idea. What would YOU do if you could sit in a chair, and let your thoughts guide a near indestructible robot, with little or no risk to the user?

Unfortunately, they didn't go in that direction. Disappointment. Instead there was a double twist. I wonder if M. Night Shamamalan was working on this project....

Here is what I think this movie accomplished:

1) Making Bruce Willis look really old. The man looked terrible, especially in comparison with his CGI-enhanced robot. The crow's feet, bald head, ever increasing liver spots and raggedy beard....he really could have joined the other aging action stars in The Expendables....

2) It gave Willis an excuse to use one of his hair pieces. Seriously...look at that thing. AND he sort of looks like Horatio from CSI Miami.....

Other than that, I don't know if the movie had anything good. I finished it because I started it (I'm a stickler for that). Oh, there were pretty pretty girls. And there was Ving Rhames (but it wasn't really Ving Rhames?)

This is definitely a 3. Out of 10.

Jack of All Trades

I was watching one of the bowl games last week and while I was listening to the commentary one of the guys said something to the effect of "Yeah, I was a bit of an all around position player, a jack of all trades." Lou Holtz quickly fired in the jab (which I don't think anyone else but me noticed): "Yeah, but a master of none."

I think people often, and willingly, forget the second half of the saying. It's easy to tout yourself as a "jack of all trades" or a Renaissance person....wait, sorry I can't possibly equate the two, a Renaissance person is master of everything they do. Michelangelo was the original Renaissance Man. My grandpa was one: though he never was able to get all of his ideas out, he was a musician, a painter, a teacher, an engineer. I still haven't finished going through his notebooks.

I used to loathe, back when I was a jerk, being called that because I really only had one trade back then: violin. My day went as such: School, homework, violin, bed, with very few deviations. Friday was my off day, but sometimes I still practiced. Saturdays? solid 9-6 day of music. Sundays I still put in my time, and there was a time when I was doing two lessons from two different teachers on the same day.

There was this other thing. Once I started getting older, I could actually hold conversations with adults. When they learned I played violin they would sometimes say "Oh my son plays violin too". Really, do they? I'm sorry, but please don't compare your child's experience, where mediocrity reins, the average practice time is around 15 minutes per day, and your music teacher has the unfortunate task of teaching 25 children (who don't care, and aren't talented in that particular area) how to play music at a skill level I had when I was 6, to my experience. It's insulting. It's like saying you "play volleyball" when in reality you play nukem, or that you're going to the gym, which actually means you plop on the elliptical and read the paper for 20 minutes, break a light sweat, and call it quits. Please.

I hated it. All of it, the comparisons, the multiple teachers (though I liked my teachers). I loved music but the journey was so difficult.

When I made the decision to switch to film I also decided to try new things. Photography, volleyball, fencing (again), biking. The list doesn't go on and on, but it's pretty different in comparison to that list of one that used to be me. Does that make me a more rounded person? Probably not. Unfortunately, I went through two stages: one was being "normal", to do the stuff that everyone else did, something I "missed out on" in my pre-college years. I lost interest in that and found out normal was more boring than I possibly thought. Now, I find myself with a label that I used to hate: the jack of all trades. Maybe this doesn't bother other people about me: Oh he knows a little about this or that, ask him. Oh, yeah ask beamer about this and such.

The problem is, my competitive drive (though always at odds with my laziness) can't settle for being ok at something, or to know a little bit about something.

For that reason, I'm vowing to enter the Sphinx Competition. It's a strings competition for minorities--African- Americans and some of Hispanic descent (though not all, I don't think). You might say: Isn't that the opposite of what you want to do?

Well, yes, and no. Typically African Americans and Hispanics are underrepresented in classical music. International competitions are dominated by caucasians and asians, just because there are more of them. The population of good musicians is large enough to have an event like this but small enough that there are faces that have been around for awhile, people that have been able to place but never capture first.

I want to capture first. Or place, at least. It'll be tough. I'm 4 years off of my high, though I'm better in some ways than I was. I don't have a teacher, so this training will have to be on my own. I'm entering the real world so my practice sessions will have to be ultra-productive. I'm not out to prove anything for anybody but myself. I NEED to do this. If I place, I get to play in Carnegie Hall a few months after the initial audition process.

That is every musicians dream. That is my dream. Or at least 50% of that. The other half was getting to play a Strad and I've already done that. So...let's get er done.

Don't Settle

Once again I find myself up into the wee hours of the night courtesy of a late afternoon nap, courtesy of somewhere around a 3-mile run. I really need to plan these things better.

As I was running, nay, sprinting, around the neighborhoods I took some time to reflect a little on the memories that the surroundings brought, namely the elementary school and people's houses that I had either been to or knew the family pretty well. It occurred to me, not for the first time this year, that perhaps the reason I feel I've changed so much, other than the fact that it's true, is that very little has changed here. Caldwell is one of those towns that "people come from". I would say a good number of the people are here because they once grew up here themselves--granted, there's only enough room for maybe two generations so you have to expect a lot of influx, but from what I can sense about the previous generation, not many of them are originally from some other area. My family actually moved here from about 9 miles away, not a huge uprooting at all, geographically speaking.

There have been tons of cosmetic changes to the town: paved roads, new lights, facelifts for certain buildings, but the people I see are the same people I knew from 15 years ago. Cashiers, library employees, some teachers, nothing's really changed. There's a small transient population but they don't really live in town, they just work here.

The reason why I think about this at all is because of my own drifting away. Yes, the high school in town isn't fantastic, but still, some kids got into great schools (others squandered their talents and ended up settling for mediocre ones). Some didn't go at all, while some opted for community college. There's nothing wrong with that. Sort of. I guess I have a very different mindset about this whole "growing up" thing. Like the generation before, I have a feeling that many of the people I grew up with will probably end up back in this town, having never really left because they didn't want to let go of the "good ol' days" of high school. Funny, really, how many of these people could be characters in a movie: "Tommy, a store manager at Blockbuster, lives in the glory days of his youth but must grow up in order to save his town from a corrupt politician." Not a bad, randomly generated tagline.

I honestly don't have a problem with people staying in town. It's fine, really. I wish that some of them would be more ambitious because I know what they're capable of. Other people not so much. I could never do it--I wanted the adventure of being away form home. Part of experiencing college for me was being in a place where I couldn't go home every weekend to do laundry or see my old "buddies" (I use that term loosely, I have a particular disdain for many of the people I went to middle school with). Occasionally I'll see them around, usually during the summer. Hanging around the same places, sometimes with the little sisters of their friends or girls they used to hang out with.

Simulated Conversation:

Them: Oh hey, it's Nicola, hey man how've you been?
Me: Pretty good, it's been awhile. Since middle school (6 or 7 years)
Them: Yeah man, where'd you go?
Me: Oh I went to Seton Hall Prep, then I decided to go to USC for college, what about you?
Them: Oh I'm studying __________ at ___________. (I react accordingly)
Me: Oh that's great.
Them: Yeah they have a great football team. Do you go to the games? What are you studying?
Me: Oh, film. And yeah, I go. Lots of fun.
Them: That's cool. You still keep in touch with people?
Me: Nah, it's been hard, being far away. Haven't really seen much of anyone since middle school. What about you?
Them: Yeah I was actually hanging out with (so and so) a couple of weeks ago (in the middle of the semester), we were hanging out at _________'s house with the guys.
Me: Cool. Well hey, I gotta go. It was good to see you.
Them: Yeah, same, peace.


That's pretty much how most of them go. Conversations with guys get by in less words, some people I won't even talk to, for some it's their parents. Girls are another matter, most of them don't start anything which is fine with me. The ones that do I have similar conversations with. None of them are particularly interesting. Occasionally one of them is. It's hard to be interested in someone's goings on when they treated you so poorly last you saw them. Sometimes I'll post on a friends wall (that I actually talk to) and one of our mutual acquaintances from town will add me. I'll sometimes shoot them a message that, more often than not, they'll ignore. I delete them. I'm not sure I want them to be able to see part of what I'm doing with my life, no need to open those doors.

So, after all of that venting, I'm glad that I decided to go on the adventure I did. I very much appreciate those who were instrumental in my life in Caldwell (people outside of that circle are different), certain teachers, other people who were around when I needed them. Hm, Dr. Barnes, there's an interesting guy. Had I gone to the high school he would have been my principal for eleven years. He cared about his students, and he was always there to get me through those rough patches. And there were many.

It's going to be tough to separate myself completely. Okay, that's a lie. I won't have a problem at all. I won't forget many many things, my memory is too good. But at least i can lock them away in a box and store them for safe keeping. Too bad I can't torch the bad memories. But the good ones are more than welcome to stay.

The driving force behind my journey? Faith aside, this one time at band camp (snickers) there was a conductor who's mantra was "Good is the enemy of excellence." It's something I include in my email signature so that people know that about me. I don't settle for good anymore. Excellence is my goal.

Things I Miss, and Other Thoughts

Apparently I'm feeling nostalgic, and a little bit sappy. And have a lot to say. Also I took a nap earlier and now I can't get to sleep. Here's a list of things I miss from various points in my life. Maybe it'll give you some insight.

I miss the thrill of performing, and the knowledge that when I step on stage, for those fleeting moments, I have the opportunity to create something new and beautiful.

Those days when homework consisted of writing a few sentences and observing nature.

My Grandpa, because he just had that special way of figuring me out.

Having both sets of grandparents alive and nearby. Nothing was better than spending an afternoon in grandma's upstairs room, watching Bob Ross or Mr. Rodgers' Neighborhood and snuggling up in the giant plush bear. I mean giant.

The simplicity of being childlike. Which is different from being childish. Things are too complicated, I have to worry about too much and I'm spread too thin. What I would give for a moment to sit down without all of those responsibilities floating around my head and just be me.

-----

Someone recently asked me if I regretted anything. To say I didn't think about some of the decisions I've made, or the actions I'd taken would be a lie. What if's litter my head. Yeah, I don't dwell on them, that would drive me insane. They usually come up when I've hit a plateau or a low and I realize there was another option in the past.

There are plenty of things I wish I hadn't done or said, things that led to the destruction of trust, or to unnecessary awkwardness or botched friendships. I wish I'd never asked Julie Alex out at the end of the 8th grade. Why'd I do it? I figured that because I was transferring to a different high school I had nothing to lose. Turns out I did. She never spoke to me after that, despite the fact that I saw her more than enough times. I wish I had been more attentive to my musical gifts. It's easy, in hindsight, to say I know how much talent I actually have. But at the time I was incredibly lazy and did what I needed to and coasted. Don't get me wrong. I was good, very good. I'm still pretty good, have the potential to be better still, and I don't think it would take all that long to get back on the wagon. But for years I floundered and watched people pass me that I knew I could compete with. I learned to compete too late in my life to ever deal with that.

There are many other things, stuff I can't/won't say here, things that I've told no one, ever. But, as much as they are a part of my past, I no longer let them inform who I am as a person. I believe I've gone through an incredible transformation since starting college, socially, spiritually, and otherwise. So yes, I have regrets. I have what if's and enigmas and stuff like that. I don't let it bother me though, because I'd go nuts. One of the most important skills I ever learned was the ability to roll with the punches, to not let things get under my skin.


Random Sighting:

Hey, girl on the bus. I assume you're taking the transit into Manhattan to go to class because, what is that I see, a take home final? That's not good. And you're writing it in pen while the bus is lurching around in traffic? I hope your answers are incredible. Typical. Then again, I used to do the same thing. Nothing more hilarious than attempting to realize a 12-bar figured bass sketch with a mandatory picardy third or secondary dominant in a car with only 20 minutes to get it done. Oh, i miss that too.

A Word on Conquering

Conquer is a word I hear fairly often. Historians use it in context with Rome and her incredible efficient armies, or when people tell me I need to learn how to swim I have to conquer my (slightly irrational) fear of deep water. The list goes on.

Probably the most clichéd use of the word comes in Christianity. Being in a Christ-centered fraternity and having grown up in church my whole life, I've heard people talking about conquering sin and such too many times to count. They're right though.

Dictionary.com defines "conquer" five different ways. In my life, the first one doesn't make any sense. The things that I'm trying to conquer, whether they be personal vices or the next CrossFit skill or a new piece, are winnable. I want to gain mastery over that particular thing so that it can't cause me to stumble in any way. I've failed pretty miserably in some areas. . . it's so easy to give in to what feels most comfortable, or to go back to what you know, or not push yourself to be better at what you're doing.

Nehemiah 8:10 says: "Nehemiah said, “Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength." Philippians 4:13 says "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

Now, I'm not one to beat people over the head with scripture. Admittedly, I'm pretty bad about knowing verses and stuff. But these were always pretty prominent in my childhood, though I ignored them. The one thing a control freak cannot do is relinquish control. Though I'm not one of those, I like to know that I'm not in a downward spiral because of my own efforts. One of the things I struggle with daily is letting go of everything and letting God do what he does best. Logically, I should also give over those conquerable things. So that's what I'll do. This isn't a New Years resolution because I invariably fail within a few days. It's a bit more serious than that, because it affects my everyday life. Or maybe it's effects....I could never figure that one out.

So what I mean to put out there is this: whatever it is that you're struggling with, are you willing to do whatever it takes to conquer it? Are you willing to be uncomfortable, to venture out in a new heading? Once that's figured out, things should get a lot easier.

Handing Over the Keys

After a semester of blogging for class, six months after opening another blog (which I have since lost track of) I'm back. Partly out of boredom, partly out of the necessity to keep my head clear-everyone needs to empty their brains of all of the random, mostly unimportant information they process daily to get to the good stuff, and most of the good stuff should be put down.

I was re-inspired by Becca Borawski, who keeps her own (highly entertaining) blog. I write this for myself, so it'll probably be humorous in a way I understand, though not highly informative-that is, unless you want to figure out what goes on in my head.

Lots of things have been happening lately. Many "lasts", if you will. Last "winter break", last time I'll see a bunch of people, et cetera. I hesitate to write this, but last Sunday was the last day I (and my family) would attend my home church. Since 2003 there's been a lot of turnover in leadership, namely the departure (forced or otherwise) of two pastors, as well as the in/outflux of people who followed them. As I sat in the balcony, I realized how anemic the church seemed, a shadow of its former self. I'm not old, but I've been around there long enough to say I can remember a time when the children's choir was three times larger, and they actually wanted to participate. The congregation seemed sometimes apathetic, sometimes lackadaisical--during a time when I'll be starting a search for a new community this was just something that solidified those thoughts and feelings. Nothing like a little ribbing from God to get you on your way.

I think the most painful thing for me was being forced to say goodbye to a familiar place, even though it felt incredibly odd to be there. The combination of my time on Sunday morning and my Christmas Eve really threw me for a loop.

Traditionally, Italians celebrate Christmas Eve as well as the actual day (check it, Italian nativity scenes don't put the baby Jesus in until the 25th). I've been going to my zia's in upstate New York since forever, this year was no different. Sort of. Being away in California has really hurt my perception of time as it applies to the much older people. Seeing another of my aunts in the shape that she was in was really painful, especially since I can remember a time, not too long ago, that she was a much different person. Time and the weather haven't been kind, and I'm glad that I got to see her before I move west.

So with her aging, plus the absence of Zio Mario, who passed in August of last year, without my cousin and her children and her brother and his family, it seemed pretty empty. It was nice to catch up with Nicky and I had a good time. I never knock family time. It just felt odd. It wouldn't have bothered me as much if other things weren't in motion that were saying "Hey, Nicola, things are coming to a close for you here. It's time to focus on the future."

Here comes the fun part. Not many people have the opportunity to start a new life for themselves. Yeah, I loved my childhood and what not, but leaving the people here behind (friends and family not included, of course) was the best decision I ever made. Consequently, I found myself at an incredible school, with brothers I would trust my life with, Crossfitting my heart out, and getting ready to work in entertainment.

I named this blog "Flip Flopped" partially because of my physical switch from east to west, but also because of my incredulous departure from the world of classical music. No one saw that coming, not even me. Definitely makes for interesting conversation when I run into people from middle school. Most people didn't even think I would leave the area, considering my music background. Others still chastise me for not going to Princeton when I had the opportunity. Whatever. I have plans. God has plans for me. Things are going to be awesome.

I'll devote part of each entry to something ridiculous/stupid/incredible I see around the time I write it. Today's sighting involves the snow we got this weekend. 22" or something crazy like that. Manhattan had some thunder and lightning too. Part of the reason I moved was to get away from the snow but..hm...looks like I'll have to clear it anyway. Oh, what luck! My dad decided to invest in a snow blower! Looks like things are going to be easier.

Hm, wait isn't the point of snow blowers to target the snow? Oh hey, lady, how come the debris coming out of the nozzle is brown and green? I don't think you're on the snow anymore......fantastic.