Apparently I'm feeling nostalgic, and a little bit sappy. And have a lot to say. Also I took a nap earlier and now I can't get to sleep. Here's a list of things I miss from various points in my life. Maybe it'll give you some insight.
I miss the thrill of performing, and the knowledge that when I step on stage, for those fleeting moments, I have the opportunity to create something new and beautiful.
Those days when homework consisted of writing a few sentences and observing nature.
My Grandpa, because he just had that special way of figuring me out.
Having both sets of grandparents alive and nearby. Nothing was better than spending an afternoon in grandma's upstairs room, watching Bob Ross or Mr. Rodgers' Neighborhood and snuggling up in the giant plush bear. I mean giant.
The simplicity of being childlike. Which is different from being childish. Things are too complicated, I have to worry about too much and I'm spread too thin. What I would give for a moment to sit down without all of those responsibilities floating around my head and just be me.
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Someone recently asked me if I regretted anything. To say I didn't think about some of the decisions I've made, or the actions I'd taken would be a lie. What if's litter my head. Yeah, I don't dwell on them, that would drive me insane. They usually come up when I've hit a plateau or a low and I realize there was another option in the past.
There are plenty of things I wish I hadn't done or said, things that led to the destruction of trust, or to unnecessary awkwardness or botched friendships. I wish I'd never asked Julie Alex out at the end of the 8th grade. Why'd I do it? I figured that because I was transferring to a different high school I had nothing to lose. Turns out I did. She never spoke to me after that, despite the fact that I saw her more than enough times. I wish I had been more attentive to my musical gifts. It's easy, in hindsight, to say I know how much talent I actually have. But at the time I was incredibly lazy and did what I needed to and coasted. Don't get me wrong. I was good, very good. I'm still pretty good, have the potential to be better still, and I don't think it would take all that long to get back on the wagon. But for years I floundered and watched people pass me that I knew I could compete with. I learned to compete too late in my life to ever deal with that.
There are many other things, stuff I can't/won't say here, things that I've told no one, ever. But, as much as they are a part of my past, I no longer let them inform who I am as a person. I believe I've gone through an incredible transformation since starting college, socially, spiritually, and otherwise. So yes, I have regrets. I have what if's and enigmas and stuff like that. I don't let it bother me though, because I'd go nuts. One of the most important skills I ever learned was the ability to roll with the punches, to not let things get under my skin.
Random Sighting:
Hey, girl on the bus. I assume you're taking the transit into Manhattan to go to class because, what is that I see, a take home final? That's not good. And you're writing it in pen while the bus is lurching around in traffic? I hope your answers are incredible. Typical. Then again, I used to do the same thing. Nothing more hilarious than attempting to realize a 12-bar figured bass sketch with a mandatory picardy third or secondary dominant in a car with only 20 minutes to get it done. Oh, i miss that too.
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