Don't Settle

Once again I find myself up into the wee hours of the night courtesy of a late afternoon nap, courtesy of somewhere around a 3-mile run. I really need to plan these things better.

As I was running, nay, sprinting, around the neighborhoods I took some time to reflect a little on the memories that the surroundings brought, namely the elementary school and people's houses that I had either been to or knew the family pretty well. It occurred to me, not for the first time this year, that perhaps the reason I feel I've changed so much, other than the fact that it's true, is that very little has changed here. Caldwell is one of those towns that "people come from". I would say a good number of the people are here because they once grew up here themselves--granted, there's only enough room for maybe two generations so you have to expect a lot of influx, but from what I can sense about the previous generation, not many of them are originally from some other area. My family actually moved here from about 9 miles away, not a huge uprooting at all, geographically speaking.

There have been tons of cosmetic changes to the town: paved roads, new lights, facelifts for certain buildings, but the people I see are the same people I knew from 15 years ago. Cashiers, library employees, some teachers, nothing's really changed. There's a small transient population but they don't really live in town, they just work here.

The reason why I think about this at all is because of my own drifting away. Yes, the high school in town isn't fantastic, but still, some kids got into great schools (others squandered their talents and ended up settling for mediocre ones). Some didn't go at all, while some opted for community college. There's nothing wrong with that. Sort of. I guess I have a very different mindset about this whole "growing up" thing. Like the generation before, I have a feeling that many of the people I grew up with will probably end up back in this town, having never really left because they didn't want to let go of the "good ol' days" of high school. Funny, really, how many of these people could be characters in a movie: "Tommy, a store manager at Blockbuster, lives in the glory days of his youth but must grow up in order to save his town from a corrupt politician." Not a bad, randomly generated tagline.

I honestly don't have a problem with people staying in town. It's fine, really. I wish that some of them would be more ambitious because I know what they're capable of. Other people not so much. I could never do it--I wanted the adventure of being away form home. Part of experiencing college for me was being in a place where I couldn't go home every weekend to do laundry or see my old "buddies" (I use that term loosely, I have a particular disdain for many of the people I went to middle school with). Occasionally I'll see them around, usually during the summer. Hanging around the same places, sometimes with the little sisters of their friends or girls they used to hang out with.

Simulated Conversation:

Them: Oh hey, it's Nicola, hey man how've you been?
Me: Pretty good, it's been awhile. Since middle school (6 or 7 years)
Them: Yeah man, where'd you go?
Me: Oh I went to Seton Hall Prep, then I decided to go to USC for college, what about you?
Them: Oh I'm studying __________ at ___________. (I react accordingly)
Me: Oh that's great.
Them: Yeah they have a great football team. Do you go to the games? What are you studying?
Me: Oh, film. And yeah, I go. Lots of fun.
Them: That's cool. You still keep in touch with people?
Me: Nah, it's been hard, being far away. Haven't really seen much of anyone since middle school. What about you?
Them: Yeah I was actually hanging out with (so and so) a couple of weeks ago (in the middle of the semester), we were hanging out at _________'s house with the guys.
Me: Cool. Well hey, I gotta go. It was good to see you.
Them: Yeah, same, peace.


That's pretty much how most of them go. Conversations with guys get by in less words, some people I won't even talk to, for some it's their parents. Girls are another matter, most of them don't start anything which is fine with me. The ones that do I have similar conversations with. None of them are particularly interesting. Occasionally one of them is. It's hard to be interested in someone's goings on when they treated you so poorly last you saw them. Sometimes I'll post on a friends wall (that I actually talk to) and one of our mutual acquaintances from town will add me. I'll sometimes shoot them a message that, more often than not, they'll ignore. I delete them. I'm not sure I want them to be able to see part of what I'm doing with my life, no need to open those doors.

So, after all of that venting, I'm glad that I decided to go on the adventure I did. I very much appreciate those who were instrumental in my life in Caldwell (people outside of that circle are different), certain teachers, other people who were around when I needed them. Hm, Dr. Barnes, there's an interesting guy. Had I gone to the high school he would have been my principal for eleven years. He cared about his students, and he was always there to get me through those rough patches. And there were many.

It's going to be tough to separate myself completely. Okay, that's a lie. I won't have a problem at all. I won't forget many many things, my memory is too good. But at least i can lock them away in a box and store them for safe keeping. Too bad I can't torch the bad memories. But the good ones are more than welcome to stay.

The driving force behind my journey? Faith aside, this one time at band camp (snickers) there was a conductor who's mantra was "Good is the enemy of excellence." It's something I include in my email signature so that people know that about me. I don't settle for good anymore. Excellence is my goal.